There is nothing quite
as electrifying or soul-satisfying as falling in love—thinking maybe, just
maybe, you've found a partner to spend your life with. But what happens when
you start to see or sense that this man or woman might cause you more pain than
joy? You've already let yourself get so invested that it's more painful than
you could've imagined.
This was my
experience, over and over, until I started to see my relationships from a
different perspective.
I've come to believe
that relationships are soul assignments—they are projects intended to teach us
lessons.
Romantic relationships
can be counted upon, more than any other challenge, to bring up all your
"stuff." You know, your baggage. So, when you and your significant
other are triggered—when those old wounds will come up—it's not necessarily
because those relationships are wrong or that person isn't a fit for you. It's
for the purpose of healing. For any relationship to work, though, both parties
have to be willing to feel and to deal with their ugly feelings.
As a student of A
Course in Miracles, and a woman devoted to my spiritual growth, I'm always
up for working through any difficult emotions or situations that might come up
in a relationship. In the last failed relationship before my paradigm shift, my
partner was not. But, of course, it wasn’t as easy as just cutting him loose as
soon as I discovered that. At that point, we were already in love.
"Love brings up
everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing."
A friend gave me a
piece of advice that really struck a chord with me. It resonated much more
intimately than the typical clichés we hear when our friends try to be
supportive but aren't quite sure what you want to hear. (Pro tip: Your best bet
is always, no matter what, to tell the truth in love.)
My spiritually astute
friend recognized the truth that I hadn't been willing to recognize on my own.
I was basing my decision to stay in that relationship on my feelings rather
than my values. I explained to her that I loved this man and wanted a future
with him but had some major concerns—for example, he wasn’t interested in a
spiritual life, nor was he willing to work through any emotional baggage or
issues stemming from his past divorce.
It seemed obvious to
my friend that my then-partner was simply not ready for a serious relationship,
despite how often or how fervently he told me otherwise. His decision to lie to
me on more than one occasion came up as a character defect as well (something I
had overlooked because I loved him). We both knew the right decision was to
walk away from this relationship. So, why was it so difficult and painful to
end it? The answer, I now know, is that I had the wrong perspective.
When I wrote down what
I value in a romantic partner, I realized this man did not embody many of those
qualities: He was unwilling or unable to support me emotionally, to share my
spiritual commitment to a higher power, or to be fully committed to me.
My friend took me through an incredibly illuminating thought
experiment.
She asked me to
pretend I was single. Then, she said she was going to tell me about someone and
she wanted to know if he's someone I would want to go out with, as a single
woman.
She said, "I know
this guy you're going to find so charming, so attractive. Want me to hook you
up with him?"
"Sure," I
said, playing along.
My friend said,
"OK, great! But you should know up front, he won’t share your values: He's
spiritually passive; he will refuse to work through any of his emotional
baggage and instead project his pain onto you. He will talk about his ex-wife
regularly, he won’t support you emotionally, he won’t celebrate your career
accomplishments, and he will attack and criticize your feelings. But I think
you'll fall in love with him. So, do you want to go out with him?"
Feeling repulsed, I
said, "Um, no. Why would I want to do that?"
My friend then told
me, "I just described your boyfriend." Talk about a mic drop.
At that point, I
couldn't remain in denial any longer. I had to confront the fact that I was leading
with my feelings and not my values, and that it wasn't landing me in the kind of relationship my soul
longed for. My attachment to this man was getting in the way of what
I truly desired in a life partner. It was clouding my judgment.
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